Being Incsecure

Secure. That's what I want to be. Secure in my knowledge,  my actions,  my thoughts, my beliefs, my love, my hate, my sorrow and despair, my happiness and joy. So I know I can stand firm and strong when things start to go awry. So I can lean on that security, that pillar of strength and draw from it. I want to be secure. I want to be Safe. 

But I'm not. It seems awfully weak. Like you don't have the strength to keep yourself up. Like you wont be able to keep the cynicism from creeping back in. Like you wont be able to believe again. Like it'll never end and you'll tire out trying to wish otherwise. Living in a reality that was never real. I'm not secure, far far from it.

I go back and forth. I go to  a place where I forget. I let the monotony of life muffle the sounds around me. the routine numb my mind so I don't notice. Let the flow sway me along the course.

But once in a while there'll be a good day. And on that day I remember. And it washes over me. Overwhelming me, stopping me in my tracks, making it hard to breathe. So i stop. Try to breathe. But somehow it won't subside. Beauty is all around me. happiness - people living their lives, nature in all its magnificent glory. And it hits me. Like something just fell on my chest and now the entire area is sore. I keep rubbing it to ease the pain but i find no relief.

I watch people walk away from me, never to take a second look back at me. It stings. I want to cry out, "Please wait! Don't leave me. I want you to please wait." But I don't. I watch people walk away from me. I run after. See their backs disappear till my poor vision is unable to make out their shapes anymore and I stop. 

I feel shitty. Incompetent. Insecure.

It's the most awful feeling in the world. I don't know if it was me, my thoughts or actions, I'm  no longer secure of any of them. In that moment, I'm back in the water drowning, thinking it'd be so easy to slip under the clam serenity. 

But my trusted aid surfaces. Rationalizes things for me. Puts things in perspective. Makes sense of the senseless. 

I know insecurity is a part of being human. That it'll let me grow, learn, and experience and appreciate the things in life if I don't let it take over. I know all that. but in the meantime, while it is crushing the life out of me, I cant find it in me to appreciate it. It brings me no joy for now. Just cold misery.