Dear Girl

Dear Girl
My dear dear girl
Lift your head
Look ahead.
The scars you bear
Deserve not shame
But celebration.
They speak to me
and her and 
Thousands of our sisters
They carry the same scars.
They carry the same scars. 
We see you. 
Through veils and words 
We see you
We know you. 
So dear girl, dear sister
Look up, look ahead
You are not defeated
You are not alone. 
Dear girl, dear friend
Look. I have these scars too 
Who else will know
Their story if not you?

Here WIth Me ( in this place)

there is this place

under a huge peepal tree

just a little ways

away from

the monotony

of life and work

I spend my afternoons

lying down

on the grass covered ground

with ants crawling 

behind my ears, and

dogs, sleeping at my feet 

i look at the leaves

swish and sway

with the gentle breeze

as light flickers through

and i hear the gentle sounds 

of the day going on

and as i look

at the hypnotic sway 

of the leaves,

i wish you were here

with me under this tree

on the grass, and

this gentle breeze

giving us company

i wish you were here with me

under this tree 

making mindless conversation

and overstuffing 

awkward silences 

with too many words

we would never remember.

Like a Frozen Lake

There is a beauty in numbness. Like the reflective surface of a frozen lake - calm, quiet, serene and peaceful. The quiet itself is appealing, but add all the rest and it becomes nigh irresistible. But under that beautiful visage lies cold cold freezing water. it is fatal for anyone who falls or dares to take a dip. Of course there are a few fishies underneath all that cold but they live far down below in the deep fathoms where the cold doesn't quite reach. These fishies will always be there, its their home and the cold is comfortable.

But up at the surface the cold is the worst and no one lingers for too long (for fear of hypothermia). Because no one lingers, these frozen lakes always look s very lonesome in the pictures, despite the sense of peace they convey. the vast expanse is empty - without a stir in the air.

And when the seasons change and the sun works its magic and spreads its heat, the frozen lake begins to melt. The melting lake is much more dangerous than the frozen one because though the ice has melted, the water is still as cold, still as deadly.

The lake takes life - unwittingly. It despises the sun for its heat, for making it more vulnerable than it already is and breaking past layers of  charms and protection.

There is a certain comfort in numbness. And when someone comes along and makes you feel, you're like the lake -  a danger to both. But this is life affirming danger. Revel in it. In the essence of life.

Where I Belong

Home. Just one word and yet it manages to soothe you to the very core of the soul. There is relief and joy and pure bliss at the thought of home. But what happens when you lose that? Lose that sense of relief, the welcoming embrace of the home you knew as your, that which is a part of you, defines you and makes you who you are? What happens then? What happens to you?

What happens to you as a person when something that you have held on to for so long, preserved in your heart and soul, merged with the very blood and flesh that make you up is no longer yours to call your own?

What happens when everything you believed in as a child, as a teenager growing up, as a young adult slowly coming to terms with the realities of life is shaken because one of the fundamental truths in your life is no longer true?

People say home is where the heart is. Others say home is wherever family is, friends are, where there are people who love you. True all of them.

Home is also where you grow up, where you learn life’s lessons, whose hills and valleys you scour, whose orchards you plunder and in whose loving lap you grow from child to adult. Home is the land of your father and his father before you, the people and its culture. Home is where you will always feel like the child you once were. Home is the place you know like the back of your hand, yet have never completely uncovered. It’s the one place where you are not the outsider in someone else’s world. It’s your own piece of the universe.

And that’s why its home. That’s why it welcomes you like a mother welcoming a child, why you find endless comfort in its folds and relief and joy. Because you can call it your own - because it is.

No one teaches you what to feel for what you call home. You just do. Institutions try to instill patriotism in you of course, but that’s not love, the love for home. But maybe after having travelled enough and lived enough places to have left a part of you in each of those places, you may be able to call the whole world your home. but for those who don’t have such lives, it’s their own little piece of the universe that’s home and the love for that universe is like none other. Irreplaceable.

Imagine losing that home. It isn't pleasant. It’s painful. It’s heart wrenchingly painful. You question what to call your own. If the home you knew was never yours, then what about everything else in it? Is no one yours? What about the people? Are they not yours either? Have you never truly been theirs and they yours?

There is rage, a rage at the ways of men and the world. Rage at the injustice of it all. Rage at the helplessness. Rage at being orphaned at one single stroke.

What happens when you lose your home? You lose yourself. You lose that bit of you that you held at the very core. You lose your identity. And it feels like you've lost everything.

A normal day in my life

Hello World. I have a really really bad headache right now that refuses to go away. I popped a paracetamol more than half an hour ago and it doesn't seem to be working. Like my right eye hurts. So bad I just want to blind myself. 

Anywho, if I don't manage to do anything else, I will have done this. Keep this up. And I will have something that I can pat myself on the back for.

So yesterday was a good day and a bad day. It was good because I hung out with the senior and her friends. Not exclusively of course. Her friends were around. But it was still good fun. And as creepy as I am going to sound saying this, she touched me several times. Light touches on the arm, a few times. So I was like *yayyyyyyy* inside my head. I wanted to tell her she looked really cute (which she did) but I never got round to it. I didn't see her at all today. Which really sucks. But I know she's at this house party right about now. And because she is at a party, there are no updates on the blog. So dry day today.

Anyways I was talking about yesterday. After spending time with person of interest, I spent some time with a senior that I really like (in the non-romantic way). And after that joked around with a few classmates. So it was a good day for me.

It was bad because a lot of shit is going on with my roommate and I feel totally helpless about the situation. But I told her I would do everything I possibly could and we just spent time just comforting each other with things we couldn't tell anyone.

So that's what happened yesterday.

I wish I could be more profound, but I think the paracetamol is finally kicking in. I feel my eyelids closing. Profundity can wait. 

Till next time.

The things I do

At any point of time in life, I will have something I've wanted to do. Right now, I want to colour my hair blue. which I will eventually, hopefully, sooner arather than later. 

Anyhow, so these things that I want to do start off as something I should do once in life. It then becomes something I MUST try. And eventually, the thought of it consumes me till I do it. This process can take varying amounts of time. Some things will take years and some just a few months. 

So one of the things I'd been wanting to do for quite a while now was colouring my hair red. Which I did about a month ago. Now its losing colour and turning brown and also why I want to go blue. But as much as I loved it, it wasn't exactly what I'd wanted (the colour didn't come out that good) and so I was a little disappointed. So there's this little voice inside my head that says that we'll go red again in the future. And properly this time. But since the beast has been partly satisfied, we'll have to leave that be for now. So next thing to do is go blue. But then again, its a little bit of a problem when I'm allergic to the stuff that colour is made of. So there needs to be more research done on it.

Another thing that I has ALWAYS wanted to do was go bald. Which I did in late September of last year. As awesome as it was and as awesome as I thought i looked with the 2-5 mm fuzz, my hair isn't the type to keep cropped I really. Well at least not so  closely cropped. Unlike other very lucky individuals whose hair sticks to their scalp after a little bit of growth, mine stood straight UP for 3 months!
So even in haircuts,I am an all or nothing person I discover.

Anywho, Im hoping I get to do the blue soon. 

Till next time. Ciao

Freaking Out

So like I promised, more posts. Regular ones. And I know I'm talking to no one here but I really need to get doing shit I like and stop complaining about how I have no opporturnities blah blah blah...

I DO have opportunities now. And that is another story for another day.  

So college life has been interesting lately because I have the giantest crush on someone in college. The person is my senior (well academically at least). I was hoping to avoid putting off talking about this when my mind was in a more coherent state and not so much of a puddle. But since I am currently freaking out, I need to write about it. Like I've got butterflies in my stomach, I'm nervous as hell, my stomach feels like... well like i need to go to the bathroom and my heart rate , phew, at the risk of sounding cliché, my heart is beating like I just ran a marathon.

But before I tell you, universe, WHY exactly it is that I'm freaking out, it would do well to tell you how it started. Well even if you aren't interested, I'm going to tell you anyhow.  Because quite frankly, this is my space. Hahahahaha.

So, University starts July 2013. I move into my hostel complex on a Saturday. College is to start on Monday. I unpack like a crazy demented person. I have everything, well almost everything, cleared by the next morning. There are a few cardboard boxes lying around in the room. I go out. On my way back, I lose my way. I have no clue where I am. I end up having to walk for about three kilometres. I have blisters on my feet so Im annoyed as hell, I call my friend and rant to her. I reach the hostel and sit in the mess of cardboard boxes that is my room.

So there I am, annoyed, in pain, cribbing to my friend how stupid I felt for getting off 2 stops early, a few people walk into the room. Frankly, I am in no mood to be cheery and have a round of introductions and also, Im still on call with my friend.

So three people walk in, their faces don't register with me. I get this odd vibe from one of them. One of them is this short tiny girl with short cropped curly hair. This isn't what  notice at first. The first thing I see.... Actually I don't remember. I just remember that whatever about her(yes, her) struck me so strongly I couldn't look at her again. They look around the room, my cupboard, pass a few comments, ask me my name (I didn't ask them) and they leave. 

The next day or one of the earlier days at university, I REALLY see her. She's striking. I act like a total creep and follow her with my eyes for as long as I can for a couple of weeks. Then out of the blue, I decide she isn't a nice person and that I can't like someone like that. (I don't even know her. Have never spoken to her at this point). 

So the semester passes, the year ends. New semester begins and for some reason, I begin crushing on her with a vengeance. 

And well, I stalk her on the interweb. And talk to her (in person). And things are going well. (By this I mean I am acting like a tween, not even a teen and being all whiny and  annoying even in my head). 

And then, this morning, I go to her blog (as usual) and lo and behold! what do I see?? She has reblogged something from me. I am confused. I go to my dashboard. I have a new follower. IT IS HER. Me --> O_O
My brain is going (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ...)

And yeah, that is why I am freaking out. Because she's following my blog. And I don't know if she knows it is me. And I'm freaking out all over again. One of my posts talks about how I like a senior. 

So yeah. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Pray for me universe. 

Resolution

It has been a long time indeed since I've blogged. 

A thousand things have transpired since I last wrote here and they seem almost insignificant in retrospect. However, I realise they were important enough for me to blog (or write) about.

Let me see, significant things that have happened since I last wrote...

Ah, I see.. I'd just finished with college then. Its almost been a year since then.

Well after my rather uneventful 3 years at college got over, I went travelling with a friend who I ended up sleeping with because I thought I liked him. Well, it wasn't bad at the time so I guess I shouldn't complain. 

Thankfully,the place I went to, Hampi, was as gorgeous as it gets and I really can't bring myself to regret that trip. Except maybe for the fact that I spent waaaaayyyy too much money which I am always short of.

After the trip ended I went home, tried to keep busy, started passport proceedings (which is still going on), tried to play the piano whenever I could manage, at a whole lot of food and turned into a balloon. 

I also applied to a few colleges for  a Master's Program. Well mostly APU and JNU. The latter I had no hopes for and the former I was banking on. 

Which is why when the acceptance letter came I was overjoyed. Never been a competitive one this one. I was happy. 

And my baby sister came home as well and I got to spend a little time with her so I was really happy cos of that too.

All this while, I had this weird thing going on with the friend. 

Really don't know what it was.

Then it was time for graduation. And I met all my friends put on a gorgeous sari.
And I slept with the friend again. Admittedly it was kinda exciting.

And people went away. And I decided to stay back in the city. 

Between then and Uni started, i travelled to Goa. With people who are friends but with whom I never want to ever travel ever again.

Then Uni started. Lots of new people. Absentee roomate.Bitches all around. And a few kindly souls.
I had a major phase of depression where I seriously contemplated suicide. The only thing that kept me going was skype calls with one of my closest friends and the inappropriate conversations I had with her.

And there was a lot of smoking up initially. But I realised it messed with my balance system badly and super magnified my vertigo. So now I've had to stop. But it was fun. I thought I would turn into a more social person but I haven't.

Well the year went by in a blur. 2013 was a really quick year. Nothing great. Nothing at all.

But the highlight of the year was the college immersion trip to Uttarakhand. But that deserves a series of posts of its own. 

And here we are, almost at the end of the first month of the new year. I just turned 23. And I feel no different.

Why is this post called resolution? Becasue I resloved to be a happier person, a less content person, a less okay person. I resolved to feel like I haven't in years and years. 

And its one resolution I intend to keep.

And also write more frequently of course.